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Uncle Sam's Buffet
37358 Fremont Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
(510) 797-7221
Why we went there
After 3-and-a-half hours of the Return of the King at the Century Park 12 theater in Redwood City, we played The Return of the King video game until 4 a.m. We awoke just before noon with food on our minds.
Mark suggested either Shaker's Pizza (with their JoMo potatoes) or Uncle Sam's Buffet; two restaurants we'd noticed several times during our occasional jaunts to Red Lobster (The Mother of Not-So-Fine Dining). Perhaps Uncle Sam's won out because of their attractive and catchy window art. It was a suggestion we'd live to regret (at least, we assume we'll live).
Service
Calling to inquire about the menu, Mark was greeted by a lady who did not speak English. When he asked if Uncle Sam's was a buffet, she didn't understand the question. When he asked to speak to someone who spoke English, she said, "How about later?" Finally, Mark talked to another woman who released the top secret information that Uncle Sam's Buffet was, in fact, a buffet.
The parking lot was difficult to enter going east on Fremont Blvd. We had to take a secret road (so secret we can't reveal it here). The parking lot itself was set up in a fashion that nearly got us into two car accidents. Uncle Sam's clientele, obviously, are not very skilled drivers, but are they good restaurant-choose-persons?
Mark was humiliated several times during our trip. When asking for the location of the sweet and sour sauce, he was belittled by a little old lady. His sushi tongs were also taken away from him, not once, but twice. How is a guy supposed to grab sushi without tongs? How, we ask?
Fun Factor
The atmosphere was raucous, rowdy, and mob-like. Children ran around with reckless abandon and without adult supervision. Specifically, there was a young child who made it his mission to stare at both of us while we tried to eat. He also seemed to like to hit himself in the head. This was the best thing about Uncle Sam's.
Food
While there was a wide variety of food, the identify of the food remained a mystery as nothing was labeled. The sweet and sour sauce was neither sweet nor sour.
The spam and eggs was very salty, with very few eggs. The sweet and sour chicken and/or pork was fleshy. The "American food" section was segregated into one tray with fries, below-standard, overly-boiled, horse-anus hot dogs, and wannabe cream cheese wontons that were not made with cream cheese. What is in the cream cheese wontons? we wondered for a few minutes before deciding it was better to move on. Even Mark would not eat the fries.
Whole fish were available. We did not have the opportunity to try the fish however, due to several old women who would place half a fish at a time on their plates. We disliked these women, as they seemed to be able to befriend the very same people who chastised Mark.
Uncle Sam's advertises itself as a seafood restaurant. And although they had shrimp available (with legs), complete with "cocktail sauce" that more resembled old ketchup, crawdads, mussels and squid that rounded out the seafood fare, we both decided that it would be best if we both stuck to the spam.
Their dessert section was especially pleasing. Christmas cookies were tasty, as was the shortcake. The shortcake with frosting, for example, had a hint of lemon that was quite delectable.
Overall, food was made with love, salt, and grease.
Bang for Your Buck
You can only use a credit card if your purchase is $20 or more. Lunch on the weekends is $7.88 per person, with 45 cent drinks. Not a bad deal if taste and food quality mean absolutely nothing to you.
Miscellaneous
Walking into Uncle Sam's, you notice it is 10 degrees hotter than it is outside. They have a wide variety of complicated deal schemes that are available only on certain days, at certain times. For example, Uncle Sam's is celebrating its three-year anniversary of existence. I'm sure they would love for us all to celebrate this with them, but you can only get the $9.99 dinner special Monday through Thursday, excluding holidays. And don't forget that if you take substantially more food than you can eat, they will charge you an extra $5. Happy anniversary, indeed!
Don't leave any extra food on your face either. If you can manage to rip away the napkins that are packed into the dispensers like Pamela Anderson's heaving bosom in an A-cup bra, you are in danger of experiencing the dreaded "napkin fray effect syndrome" suffered by millions of unshaven men who have spent all night playing video games ("We can beat the Southern Gate level if we just try one more time!"). This concerned Darron so much that he was compelled to ask Mark for a napkin-on-face check. Thankfully, he tested negative and eagerly returned to stuffing his face with indigestable food.
Other questions still burn in our mind to this momement. Why is this place named Uncle Sam's? Is it owned by a man named Uncle Sam? Why was the clientele 95% Asian American? And why exactly did Darron go back for thirds?
Overall
Mark: 1 Women's Open-Toed Shoes Out of 5 
I would have found the food to be reasonably tastey if I had just gotten out of prison. The quality of this crap of Asian seafood cuisine made me wish I could see food no more. While I did enjoy the dessert section, I fear this is because they were created by a third-party vendor. Additionally, I shall never get the sight of the young Asian boy repeatedly slapping himself in the head as his mother tried to force a french fry into him out of my head. And that's just not cool, man; I was trying to save up room for the upcoming Average Joe II -- Hawaii. Overall, I give Uncle Sam's Buffet a 1 open-toed-shoe rating. So unless you're coming down from a week of fasting and five to fifteen hours/night of Return of the King on Playstation 2, I suggest staying away from Uncle Sam's.
In Sum: "Uncle Sams?" more like "Uncle Sucks."
Darron: Uncle Sam's - 2 out of 5 Hawaiian shirts 
Uncle Sam, if he were a real person and not the legendary personification of our national character, would be able to sue this restaurant for defamation.
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